Send a hearty "FUCK YOU" to any pretense of dignity with the velour pantsuit--similar to the all-velvet outfit George Castanza sported on one Seinfeld episode. This one comes in sizes up to 6x, for those occasions when you wish to stage a small velour tent revival or circus, and is available with rhinestones. It's sold by Amerimark, which offers a whole line of shapeless, adequately utilitarian garments, the kind that say "I'm sufficiently dressed to enter a Walmart," or "don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or at least to the refrigerator and back to the couch) in my dingy pink fleece moccasins."
Amerimark understands that many of its customers may find traditional clothing logistically challenging, and hence offers a "wide" selection of stretchy jeans.
They don't really say "stretch" on the rear like some sort of middle American Protestent Juicy Couture pants. The wording is just to make it clear that these jeans will work with your huge lard-ass, unlike those impossible regular jeans that can present such a struggle.
For me this product only conjures the image of Wolfgang Puck himself serving me this soup, the same creepy grin on both the can and his face, in a bowl also emblazoned with his image, so that his frozen smile gradually emerges from the murky depths of the broth as the soup is consumed. Maybe little Wolfgang Puck-shaped crackers would float around in it. And for the horrific punchline: it's bioengineered Wolfgang Puck meat! Obviously.
Oh, discounted November treats, if no one bought you by Halloween what hope have you now? One can only imagine the deprivation under which you will be consumed, possibly by desperate rats near a CVS dumpster. Trick!
Angus beef is the new chipotle, but what is it exactly? Most people don't seem to know. I got to thinking about this when a friend of mine insisted that it was simply old meat on the verge of going bad. Another friend was equally convinced that Angus beef is beef from a bull as opposed to a cow.
So I asked a McDonald's employee what it meant (realizing of course that McDonald's employees are known to be bastions of knowledge and wisdom), and she told me it referred to their Third Pounder Angus Burger.
"But what does the word 'Angus' mean?" I asked. I was told it's a leaner cut of meat. "It has less fat you mean?" Yes, it has less fat, she assured me. Now I can sue them when their "low fat" burgers contribute to my morbid obesity. In truth, a typical McDonald's Angus Burger has about 40 grams of fat, compared to about 29 grams for a Big Mac. Angus Beef itself is named after the breed of cattle it comes from and is not significantly different from any other beef. "Angus Burger" does have more of a ring to it though than "Hereford Burger" or "Zebu Burger" I think. It does have that going for it.
Is anyone really soothed by the tinny, digitized loops that emanate from ambient sound devices like the Soothing Shell? Or just driven mad by them? The Shell offers typical settings like birds and rain, but also one called "heartbeat" for when you need to be reminded of your own mortality, and "white noise" which I suspect is the same sound used for most of the other settings.
The internet is lousy with trinkets that bring good luck and / or good fortune like this ring that attracts money (to the wearer--they obviously attract money to the charlatans that sell them). Aside from its alleged powers it's a rather boring object, but it did inspire an interesting thought puzzle: what do you suppose would happen if everyone wore a magic money ring? The answer of course is that nothing would happen.
It's sold by Amerimark, which offers a whole line of shapeless, adequately utilitarian garments, the kind that say "I'm sufficiently dressed to enter a Walmart," or "don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or at least to the refrigerator and back to the couch) in my dingy pink fleece moccasins."
They don't really say "stretch" on the rear like some sort of middle American Protestent Juicy Couture pants. The wording is just to make it clear that these jeans will work with your huge lard-ass, unlike those impossible regular jeans that can present such a struggle. 
