Monday, November 5, 2012

Upright Sleeper

Finally. Who needs a bed when you can sleep with metal bars holding you in a rigid, upright position? This is another product from the folks at SkyMall, and it works by making you very tired - just tired of everything. Tired of this whole meaningless, hideous world.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


"For years people have been perfecting the margarita," begins the ad for Bud Light Lime's Lime-A-Rita, suggesting that long evolutionary process has finally reached its culmination in a canned beverage made not with tequila (who knew the secret was ditching tequila), but terrible light beer instead.

Ice, salt, and anything more than the hollow vestiges of a soul are also optional, and sold separately.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Can You Believe It?

The days of laboriously assembling a sandwich like a troglodyte are over thanks to Candwich canned sandwiches.

Be sure to stock up for the end times - oh wait, these are the end times:

"And they didst take upon their tables, those with the mark of the beast, jars of bread that shined like brass, and there was much gnashing of teeth, for the time of tribulation was nigh."
- Revelation 12:16

Monday, April 25, 2011

Bud Light

I went to this place that had 50 cent Bud Lights. I was torn - it was 50 cent beer. But it was Bud Light. But it was 50 cents.

Anyhow, apparently you can now "make you mark" on Bud Light bottles with a car or house key. Someone had taken the liberty of premarking my beer by scrawling "fags" on it. Is that hilarious or a hate crime? Or just what one might expect when typical bar patrons are given a forum for expression in my town?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Goodgame Farmer

Nice try, Friendster, but a lame ripoff of Facebook's most annoying app is probably too little too late.
Coincidentally, FarmVille itself is also a ripoff of something called Farm Town, whose makers must be in a permanent state of wtf?