Sunday, November 15, 2009

Velour Pantsuit

Send a hearty "FUCK YOU" to any pretense of dignity with the velour pantsuit--similar to the all-velvet outfit George Castanza sported on one Seinfeld episode. This one comes in sizes up to 6x, for those occasions when you wish to stage a small velour tent revival or circus, and is available with rhinestones.
It's sold by Amerimark, which offers a whole line of shapeless, adequately utilitarian garments, the kind that say "I'm sufficiently dressed to enter a Walmart," or "don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or at least to the refrigerator and back to the couch) in my dingy pink fleece moccasins."

Amerimark understands that many of its customers may find traditional clothing logistically challenging, and hence offers a "wide" selection of stretchy jeans.

They don't really say "stretch" on the rear like some sort of middle American Protestent Juicy Couture pants. The wording is just to make it clear that these jeans will work with your huge lard-ass, unlike those impossible regular jeans that can present such a struggle.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Wolfgang Puck Soup

For me this product only conjures the image of Wolfgang Puck himself serving me this soup, the same creepy grin on both the can and his face, in a bowl also emblazoned with his image, so that his frozen smile gradually emerges from the murky depths of the broth as the soup is consumed. Maybe little Wolfgang Puck-shaped crackers would float around in it. And for the horrific punchline: it's bioengineered Wolfgang Puck meat! Obviously.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Post-Halloween Halloween Candy

Oh, discounted November treats, if no one bought you by Halloween what hope have you now? One can only imagine the deprivation under which you will be consumed, possibly by desperate rats near a CVS dumpster. Trick!