Upright Sleeper

Finally. Who needs a bed when you can sleep with metal bars holding you in a rigid, upright position? This is another product from the folks at SkyMall, and it works by making you very tired - just tired of everything. Tired of this whole meaningless, hideous world.

Marginally-A-Rita

"For years people have been perfecting the margarita," begins the ad for Bud Light Lime's Lime-A-Rita, suggesting that long evolutionary process has finally reached its culmination in a canned beverage made not with tequila (who knew the secret was ditching tequila), but terrible light beer instead.

Ice, salt, and anything more than the hollow vestiges of a soul are also optional, and sold separately.

Can You Believe It?

The days of laboriously assembling a sandwich like a troglodyte are over thanks to Candwich canned sandwiches.

Be sure to stock up for the end times - oh wait, these are the end times:

"And they didst take upon their tables, those with the mark of the beast, jars of bread that shined like brass, and there was much gnashing of teeth, for the time of tribulation was nigh."
- Revelation 12:16