Penis Pasta

I thought this was an unfortunate translation of "penne" at first, but no, it is literally penis-shaped pasta. The product advertises its self as "perfect for bachelorette parties," because what party is complete without pasta? Forget the obligatory meatball and/or alfredo sauce joke, there is a recipe for “Big Balls, with Steamy Sauce and Penis Pasta” on the box.

Plastic Owl Update

Presenting the latest in fake plastic owl technology. This hooting, spinning, glow-in-the dark motion sensor owl works by making squirrels and pigeons seem unobtrusive by comparison.

In truth, it is not obtrusive enough. Reviews at wdrake.com indicate the owl is too small, its hooting is anemic, and it tends to stop working after a few days, if what it does can be called "working."

Camo Snuggie

Your prayers have been answered. A new "designer" snuggie featuring an attractive and inconspicuous camo pattern allows you to hide from predators and prey alike as you eat Doritos on the couch.


Plus your dog can have one too.

Neck Slimmer

Warning: Prolonged use may cause decapitation.

Velour Pantsuit

Send a hearty "FUCK YOU" to any pretense of dignity with the velour pantsuit--similar to the all-velvet outfit George Castanza sported on one Seinfeld episode. This one comes in sizes up to 6x, for those occasions when you wish to stage a small velour tent revival or circus, and is available with rhinestones.
It's sold by Amerimark, which offers a whole line of shapeless, adequately utilitarian garments, the kind that say "I'm sufficiently dressed to enter a Walmart," or "don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or at least to the refrigerator and back to the couch) in my dingy pink fleece moccasins."

Amerimark understands that many of its customers may find traditional clothing logistically challenging, and hence offers a "wide" selection of stretchy jeans.

They don't really say "stretch" on the rear like some sort of middle American Protestent Juicy Couture pants. The wording is just to make it clear that these jeans will work with your huge lard-ass, unlike those impossible regular jeans that can present such a struggle.

Wolfgang Puck Soup

For me this product only conjures the image of Wolfgang Puck himself serving me this soup, the same creepy grin on both the can and his face, in a bowl also emblazoned with his image, so that his frozen smile gradually emerges from the murky depths of the broth as the soup is consumed. Maybe little Wolfgang Puck-shaped crackers would float around in it. And for the horrific punchline: it's bioengineered Wolfgang Puck meat! Obviously.

Post-Halloween Halloween Candy

Oh, discounted November treats, if no one bought you by Halloween what hope have you now? One can only imagine the deprivation under which you will be consumed, possibly by desperate rats near a CVS dumpster. Trick!