Inessentials

Can You Believe It?

2012-01-24T13:03:00.001-05:00

The days of laboriously assembling a sandwich like a troglodyte are over thanks to Candwich canned sandwiches.

Be sure to stock up for the end times - oh wait, these are the end times:

"And they didst take upon their tables, those with the mark of the beast, jars of bread that shined like brass, and there was much gnashing of teeth, for the time of tribulation was nigh."
- Revelation 12:16

Bud Light

2011-04-25T13:06:00.001-04:00

I went to this place that had 50 cent Bud Lights. I was torn - it was 50 cent beer. But it was Bud Light. But it was 50 cents.

Anyhow, apparently you can now "make you mark" on Bud Light bottles with a car or house key. Someone had taken the liberty of premarking my beer by scrawling "fags" on it. Is that hilarious or a hate crime? Or just what one might expect when typical bar patrons are given a forum for expression in my town?

WTF Frozen Foods

2011-01-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

Buzzfeed presents a list of unusual frozen delicacies.

Beverly Hills 90210 Christmas

2011-01-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

200 Christmases In 2 Minutes from Cinefamily on Vimeo.

Goodgame Farmer

2011-01-07T10:53:00.001-05:00

Nice try, Friendster, but a lame ripoff of Facebook's most annoying app is probably too little too late.
Coincidentally, FarmVille itself is also a ripoff of something called Farm Town, whose makers must be in a permanent state of wtf?

Dr. Pepper Knockoffs

2011-01-05T17:59:00.000-05:00

That's Doctor Good Guy to you. Other Dr. Pepper knock offs can be seen here.

Penis Pasta

2010-12-22T10:20:00.004-05:00

I thought this was an unfortunate translation of "penne" at first, but no, it is literally penis-shaped pasta. The product advertises its self as "perfect for bachelorette parties," because what party is complete without pasta? Forget the obligatory meatball and/or alfredo sauce joke, there is a recipe for “Big Balls, with Steamy Sauce and Penis Pasta” on the box.

Plastic Owl Update

2010-12-19T17:46:00.004-05:00

Presenting the latest in fake plastic owl technology. This hooting, spinning, glow-in-the dark motion sensor owl works by making squirrels and pigeons seem unobtrusive by comparison.

In truth, it is not obtrusive enough. Reviews at wdrake.com indicate the owl is too small, its hooting is anemic, and it tends to stop working after a few days, if what it does can be called "working."

Camo Snuggie

2010-12-18T17:12:00.002-05:00

Your prayers have been answered. A new "designer" snuggie featuring an attractive and inconspicuous camo pattern allows you to hide from predators and prey alike as you eat Doritos on the couch.

Plus your dog can have one too.

Neck Slimmer

2010-12-06T18:18:00.001-05:00

Warning: Prolonged use may cause decapitation.

Velour Pantsuit

2009-11-15T23:20:00.007-05:00

Send a hearty "FUCK YOU" to any pretense of dignity with the velour pantsuit--similar to the all-velvet outfit George Castanza sported on one Seinfeld episode. This one comes in sizes up to 6x, for those occasions when you wish to stage a small velour tent revival or circus, and is available with rhinestones.
It's sold by Amerimark, which offers a whole line of shapeless, adequately utilitarian garments, the kind that say "I'm sufficiently dressed to enter a Walmart," or "don't judge me until you've walked a mile (or at least to the refrigerator and back to the couch) in my dingy pink fleece moccasins."

Amerimark understands that many of its customers may find traditional clothing logistically challenging, and hence offers a "wide" selection of stretchy jeans.

They don't really say "stretch" on the rear like some sort of middle American Protestent Juicy Couture pants. The wording is just to make it clear that these jeans will work with your huge lard-ass, unlike those impossible regular jeans that can present such a struggle.

Wolfgang Puck Soup

2009-11-10T09:50:00.006-05:00

For me this product only conjures the image of Wolfgang Puck himself serving me this soup, the same creepy grin on both the can and his face, in a bowl also emblazoned with his image, so that his frozen smile gradually emerges from the murky depths of the broth as the soup is consumed. Maybe little Wolfgang Puck-shaped crackers would float around in it. And for the horrific punchline: it's bioengineered Wolfgang Puck meat! Obviously.

Post-Halloween Halloween Candy

2009-11-08T12:09:00.005-05:00

Oh, discounted November treats, if no one bought you by Halloween what hope have you now? One can only imagine the deprivation under which you will be consumed, possibly by desperate rats near a CVS dumpster. Trick!

Mystery Meat

2009-09-28T20:57:00.012-04:00

Angus beef is the new chipotle, but what is it exactly? Most people don't seem to know. I got to thinking about this when a friend of mine insisted that it was simply old meat on the verge of going bad. Another friend was equally convinced that Angus beef is beef from a bull as opposed to a cow.

So I asked a McDonald's employee what it meant (realizing of course that McDonald's employees are known to be bastions of knowledge and wisdom), and she told me it referred to their Third Pounder Angus Burger.

"But what does the word 'Angus' mean?" I asked. I was told it's a leaner cut of meat. "It has less fat you mean?" Yes, it has less fat, she assured me. Now I can sue them when their "low fat" burgers contribute to my morbid obesity. In truth, a typical McDonald's Angus Burger has about 40 grams of fat, compared to about 29 grams for a Big Mac. Angus Beef itself is named after the breed of cattle it comes from and is not significantly different from any other beef. "Angus Burger" does have more of a ring to it though than "Hereford Burger" or "Zebu Burger" I think. It does have that going for it.

Slap Chop

2009-09-16T20:24:00.003-04:00

Look how small the Slap Chop is. You would need a larger Slap Chop to cut your food into pieces the regular Slap Chop can handle.

Soothing Shell

2009-09-09T16:35:00.004-04:00

Is anyone really soothed by the tinny, digitized loops that emanate from ambient sound devices like the Soothing Shell? Or just driven mad by them? The Shell offers typical settings like birds and rain, but also one called "heartbeat" for when you need to be reminded of your own mortality, and "white noise" which I suspect is the same sound used for most of the other settings.

Magic Money Ring

2009-09-02T16:48:00.005-04:00

The internet is lousy with trinkets that bring good luck and / or good fortune like this ring that attracts money (to the wearer--they obviously attract money to the charlatans that sell them). Aside from its alleged powers it's a rather boring object, but it did inspire an interesting thought puzzle: what do you suppose would happen if everyone wore a magic money ring?
The answer of course is that nothing would happen.

Kinkade's Disney Dreams Collection

2009-08-30T11:56:00.008-04:00

It looks like the kind of joke that would ironically hang in a hipster gallery, except that Thomas Kinkade's latest series of paintings is actually licensed by Disney, meaning they are meant to be taken at face value, whatever "face value" can possibly mean when the artist purees a couple of fairies in a blender before drinking the mixture and then puking it onto a canvas. That is how he makes these, isn't it?

As a side note, Kinkade's association with Disney is somewhat more complicated than the paintings suggest. He once urinated on a Winnie the Pooh statue, uttering "This one's for you, Walt."

Dogs Are Semi-Essential

2009-08-26T16:31:00.007-04:00

Is there any right way to answer this question? I don't think so.
Oh, and Sparky--I wouldn't pee on the computer if I were you. Seriously.

Sad Affirmational Poster

2009-08-22T17:50:00.007-04:00

I saw a framed poster featuring the motivational Virginia Satir poem "I Am Me" badly damaged and abandoned in a parking lot. I wasn't sure if this was because the poster failed to work, or because it worked too well, prompting the realization "I, being me, am not the type of person that hangs motivational posters around the house."

Twittering Plants

2009-08-16T11:44:00.006-04:00

Have we become too tightly tethered to technology? Apparently we've reached the point that we can no longer master basic tasks if a screen of some kind is not involved. Botanicalls is not resisting this brave new world, and offers a device you hook up to your houseplants so they can twitter when they need water.

And it turns out they're obsessed with water! At least this plant is. It's owner is not.

Meme Meets Meme

2009-08-14T21:00:00.007-04:00

Threadless T-Shirts recently began printing a three keyboard cat moon shirt for those times when wearing the original three wolf moon shirt just isn't sufficiently ironic. This takes it to a whole 'nother level.

Cheap

2009-08-12T19:06:00.004-04:00

Recently PBS's News Hour profiled author Ellen Ruppel Shell, whose book Cheap seeks to explain why discounts seem to be so appealing. Apparently there is a biological basis for this, as the brain metes out a small neurochemical reward when a material gain is anticipated. And it is specifically the anticipation of gain which triggers this response, not the item which is obtained. Conversely, the fear of regretting a missed opportunity presents a strong negative reinforcement with the same end result. This explains why there is never an end to the production and consumption of cheap useless crap.
Like this ugly thing:

Butter Cutter

2009-08-09T14:18:00.004-04:00

The next post after this one will be non-breakfast related. Until then:

Reading the history of this item, I learned that the inventor had poured his life into it for at least eight years to get it to market. It would be a shame if after all that, it failed. Regardless, I have made the decision to casually mock his pathetic and unnecessary little achievement here. Who, knows--it's probably more successful than anything I've ever done. He could could be laughing all the way to the bank.
Let's not think about what that would say about society as a whole.

Fake Owls

2009-08-08T17:18:00.014-04:00

Someone has neglected to inform the other birds that they are supposed to be terrified of fake plastic owls.

Animatronic Cow

2009-08-07T22:06:00.005-04:00

This disturbing display greets visitors to the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Egg Peelers

2009-08-06T16:13:00.013-04:00

Another "time saver," the Instant Egg Peeler. It's as easy as rummaging through a drawer, screwing onto a faucet, placing a pan of water in the sink, collecting the peeled eggs in the pan, emptying out the pan, unscrewing the Egg Peeler from the faucet, disassembling the Egg Peeler, dumping the shells, washing, drying, and reassembling the Egg Peeler, and storing the Egg Peeler back in the drawer. Instant! So instant, in fact, the eggs will probably still be fresh by the time you've finished the 24 or so easy steps.

Here's a similar device, the Eggstractor, which was apparently designed by Dr. Seuss, as evidenced by the accordian-like structure. This animation shows the Eggstractor in action:

Are the white gloves included? Perhaps if you order now. Ordering "now," of course presents formidable cosmological challenges which we'll address at a later time. Suffice it to say that I could easily forgo the gloves if the device made a squeaky noise when in use. It looks like it ought to at any rate.

Toad House

2009-08-05T10:25:00.011-04:00

With the toad subprime mortgage industry collapse leading to a dramatic increase in toad forclosures, toad houses can be had at steep discounts. The maker of this one bedroom New England colonial claims to offer the internet's largest selection of toad houses. Which are made for actual toads to live in, just to clarify. They know it's for them because it says "toad house" on it.

Bacon Genie

2009-08-04T21:06:00.000-04:00

Have you been waiting for a "healthy way to cook bacon in the microwave?" With the Bacon Genie, simply hang the bacon on the bacon rack with the included bacon tongs and in minutes enjoy the "V" shaped result. Hopefully there may soon be a Bacon Genie Genie to make using the Bacon Genie even more easy and healthful. As an alternative, consider the Bacon Wave:

As you can see from the photo, cooking bacon has become astonishingly easy. Just beware of cheap imitations like Wow Bacon.

A question from this product's FAQ page (yes, there is a FAQ for this) suggests that it makes unsettling noises during use:

"Sometimes while the bacon is cooking I hear fairly loud disruptive noises coming from the Broiler. Should I be concerned?"

Not to worry, friend. It is simply full of old grease from the last time you used it. Try not to be such a lazy slob. Or do you actually find that cleaning this contraption is a pain in the ass?